Enough for Eternity
by The Firefaery
Summary: One-Shot: I’m going to die alone. That is, if I ever choose to die. Being a Senshi has its perks, it’s true...But I will always be alone.


Enough for Eternity The Firefaery G Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon  
  
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I'm going to die alone. That is, if I ever choose to die. Being a Senshi has its perks, it's true. But yes, as I was saying, I'm going to die alone. I will have no children, no husband or lover. I have no blood-family left either, not since Grandpa died all those years ago, and my so-called father passed during the Great Ice. I am the last remaining Hino, the only one to live to see Crystal Tokyo.  
  
It's a hard thing to understand, knowing you can love someone, yet never have them. Knowing you will be by their side for all time, if need be, but never touch them the way you want to. I see her everyday, I smell her scent, and I hear her laugh, and sometimes cry. I watch her pink-haired little daughter grow into another version of her mother, and I smile on the outside.  
  
Deep down, so deep it's invisible even to my Queen, I cry, though. What I weep for is something that never even existed; a chance.  
  
From the moment of my birth, I was doomed to be alone, for even before then she was destined to be with him. Sometimes, my dreams are filled with memories of the old time, the Silver Millennium, and I know I loved her then, too. I think I have always loved her.  
  
This love is like a fire banked low for the night, something that will weather all trials and pains and even the impossibility of its own existence. Something that I can not change, and wouldn't even if I could. Being Mars has sustained me, and being near has given me a reason to sustain Mars.  
  
When the time comes, when or if ever, she chooses or is forced to pass on to the Great Kami, I will follow. I will go wherever she would lead me, I would pass through snow, sleet, fire, and even death for her. I have done so before. I will continue to do so until she is gone, or something stops me. And it would take a lot to stop me, the Senshi of Mars, the ruler of the Red Planet.  
  
It isn't enough, of course. Just being by her side will never be enough. I see the looks that pass between them, the King and Queen. For me to be truly happy, the look I see on her face would rest on me instead. But it is not to be, and was never meant to.  
  
So I cry inside, where she can't hear, and I await the day that the cycle will start itself again. For I know, when she dies, he will die, and so will I. And then rebirth and the continuation of it all. It is an endless, painful cycle that I wouldn't change for anything, even my own happiness. Because I know to have mine would mean to sacrifice hers. And that is something I could never do.  
  
Millennia after millennia, I will be reborn for her, and die for her, and love her. In all that, I will never be allowed to have her. Sometimes I wish I could curse my own heart, this fiery thing that pounds in my chest and beats for her. It has doomed me to an eternity of loneliness and sorrow, and longing. But then I think about a day without noticing the small things about her, the things the other Senshi take for granted, that I cherish because I love her so.  
  
Like the way one small curl of hair at the nape of her neck will never stay up; she's always brushing her hand against her neck, feeling it tickle. Or the way her eyes change from cerulean to indigo when she feels joy; that one small change in color will put me at ease for the rest of a day. And the way she smiles when she thinks no one sees her, standing on her balcony looking out over this great creation of hers; it's peace, and contentment, and love and hope and joy, and all the good feelings in the world, compacted into one small mouth. Formed in the shape of those coral lips.  
  
Yes, I will die alone, as I have lived alone. My heart aches for her, it cries out at night for her presence, as my skin cries out for her touch. I will die a virgin, too.  
  
I have accepted it. I have bowed my head to my fate, and locked away the never-ending tears, and the small glowing fire that burns for her.  
  
If any of the Senshi knew, they would pity me, I'm sure. And I would smile and call them fools. Fools for not understanding that it is my love for her that keeps me alive, and nothing else. I think I would have died long ago, in the Silver Millennium or Old Tokyo, if it weren't for her. And then the mantle of Sailor Mars would have been lost.  
  
I am Mars, I am fire, I am all the heat and blaze in the world. I hold it in my hand, and my heart and soul, because of her. Usagi, Serenity, and in the secret, small space in my heart that no one has ever seen, Usako. The name he calls her, the one I wish belonged on my lips.  
  
Don't be sad for me. Be happy. I have life because I must live for her.  
  
Because I love her. And I always will. And it is enough. For all of eternity, it is enough. 


End file.
